Are You Serious?

Get a (real) life, people.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/ptech/10/23/avatar.murder.japan.ap

http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/europe/11/14/second.life.divorce

I’m a Nerd

Last night I dreamt I was trying to configure a wireless adapter to work with Linux on my laptop. You know you're turning into an uber-nerd when you start dreaming about computers. At least it wasn't a wet dream.

She Said Yes

It happened. I proposed to Jenny. She said yes. We're engaged. That's as detailed as I get. If you want the girl-talk play-by-play, call Jenny.

My Election Opinions

As you’ve undoubtedly been made aware, Barack Obama won Tuesday’s election – immediately followed by an inundation of comments and blogs on the interweb. Some people have expressed their disappointment, some their outrage, some their caution, some their pride, and some people have expressed their intoxication. I’ve perused my peers’ political garble, and on both sides of the fence I’ve read some good points, poor points, confusing points, and witty retorts. In the vast array of post-election points, one thing’s for sure – every point has been made a thousand times over. Since every other American with a keyboard and internet connection is expressing his political opinion, I feel it is my patriotic duty to do the same; that I should devote this blog post to my opinions regarding the election results, my disdain for those who disagree with my opinion, and to throw in some funny remarks as to sound clever yet not too pompous.

But instead I am going to write about pirates…

Pirates live on pirate ships. Once every few weeks they’ll spend some time at port, but that’s only to trade their pirate swag for rum, and to hear the lamentations of the women. While at sea pirates enjoy drinking rum, singing songs, and raiding merchant ships. It is an understandable misconception that pirates voluntarily drink tea because they frequently raid British East India Company ships. But in actuality they hoard the tea to trade for rum when at port. The current tea to rum exchange rate is 19.3 tea bags to 8 oz. of rum.

There are very few lady pirates, as the pirate lifestyle requires a level of burliness rarely seen in women. Women who indeed possess proper pirate traits tend to excel in pirating careers. Lady pirates have prolonged premenstrual syndromes (usually ranging between 29 and 33 days a month) giving them a hormonal boost which makes subordinating men an easy task. Keira Knightly and Orlando Bloom would be terrible pirate candidates, as their highly feminine demeanors would subject them to constant sexual harassment. Sexual harassment laws are very lax in privately invested pirating firms. In 1843, an experimental women-only pirate crew was assembled. One day they raided a Manolo Blahnik vessel, and they were never seen or heard from again.

Barack Obama probably wouldn’t make a very good pirate. The pirate community is not as progressive as the United States, thus it is rare for an African American to rise above the rank of powder monkey. If he were, on the other hand, an American African or a voodoo-practicing Haitian his chances for promotion would rise dramatically. Additionally, he would be required to legally change his name to heed strict pirate conventions, so as to sound more pirate-like, i.e. Blackbeard, The Dread Pirate Roberts, Long John Silver, etc.

John McCain would be unlikely to make a very good pirate either, as he is too old. Pirate lifestyle tends to be very rigorous, both physically and mentally. A 7:00pm bedtime would interfere with night-time pillages, and his history with melanoma would render him useless in daytime chores, such as manning the jib. Also, pirates tend to be pro-choice and McCain’s conservative views would likely alienate himself from other pirates, thus preventing him from rising above the ranks of swashbuckler.

Hilary Clinton would make an excellent pirate.

The three primary commodities of modern-day pirate swag are gold, copyrighted material, and butts. The three primary threats to the modern-day pirate economy are scarcity of rum, scurvy, and outsourcing.

I Voted for Kodos

Has anyone else voted yet? Was anyone else tempted to write-in your own name for president? Perhaps a write-in for "Kodos?"

Jenny and I got up early to squeeze in a morning vote, which took about an hour. They say one shouldn't vote before work, during lunchtime, or after work if he wants to avoid long lines. Then when? I am fully in favor of early voting going nationwide, and I don't understand why it hasn't already.

Tonight Jenny and I are having an election party. Wings Pizza, beer, and politics; all the ingredients for an exciting night.